so unbelievably tired

5-hour sleep for the past 2 weeks... courses, catching up, homeworks, project, research, TA work, grading, TA supervisor who thinks I have too much time on me that when the posting the homework grades was posponed by half a day, he thinks me and the other grader is lazy. Err.. grading 3 questions for 100+ students, on top of everything I have to do, took me 3 nights until 2 am!! Plus, if the course only has one grader when there supposed to be 2, why is it automatically my job to take over? Erm don't I already do TAing for the course?? what is the other TA doing??? I know being responsible and whatever, but in the end, I am doing 2 person's job and you think it is easy?????? GGGGAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 20-hour a week? yeah riiigghht..

And some professors don't understand why grad students prefer RAship over TAship... are you kidding me??? TA's job is about double triple of what RA has to do (eg. RA has to deal with a professor. TA has to deal with 180+ students!!), AND the research of my own (my thesis!!!) on top of that. RA's get to do their research and work on their thesis along with the professor's. What's more is that this is a research institute. If you are a grad student and don't do much research, you feel like an idiot (e.g. Yay my paper got accepted to this top notch conference!! hmm but what have you been doing? - well, no one I know actually is that mean to point it out, but I feel like that sometimes. can't help it.) Plus getting good grades is important because that's what the TAship assignment is based on (with its tuition waiver). OMG who do I have to punch to make those up there in management/admin office realize this TA workload is just all very wrong, unfair and contradictory on its own!!!!!!! Sure I'm thankful for tuition waiver, but at times this is just unbearable. I felt like I was just spontaneously burst into tears DURING a lecture because of the tiredness, lack of sleep, stressing out about the midterm tomorrow (I had only 2 days to study because of the grading.. THANKS A LOT!!) and the physical muscle and joint pains.. I haven't had time to do anything else, no hanging out with friends, no cooking nice meals...

I don't want to be this negative and realize that I am indeed lucky to be here, but sometimes just rambling it helps.. just few more months.... I wish sleeping wasn't a necessity.