I miss home.

So, grad school is finally over for me and I spent last 2 weeks not doing much, which is just what I wanted to do :) I'll be moving to Seattle in about a month, so this is pretty much the golden holiday between school and a job - but the problem is that most of my friends here have gone home for the holiday, and I'm bored. I mean, I started studying because I'm so bored. Seriously...=_= I've had a bit of a holiday myself too visiting Seattle just before Christmas to find an apartment and catching up with friends there and going on a ski trip, and am leaving to NY in a week or so to be with my extended families there. But spending the festive season alone is so hard, and the fact that I'm pretty much stuck here against my will (due to visa issues) makes it so much harder to bear the homesickness! I am physically in pain missing home so much :(

So in my idleness, I made a list of things I miss the most about home. There are tonnes of them of course, but the following are what I could logically write about (in no particular order :p). Originally, I meant to write something grand about looking back at the last 2.5 years of grad school, but I've done that in my head so much lately and have already dealt with the bitter-sweetness of it, I didn't want to go through it again..

- Accent/Slang
I was surprised at myself when, after spending a year or so in the States, my accent was pretty much Americanized (with strong R's and weaker T's) and I started writing "~ize" instead of "~ise" without thinking. Well, spell checker may be to blame for the latter case for silently pressuring me to adopt the American spelling with its glaring red squiggly lines or cheeky auto correctors, but as for the accent, I was quite determined not to lose kiwi accent (however much I had) and for the first semester at UIUC at least, new friends would ask me if I was from Australia (granted, most of them haven't heard NZ accent before). To be honest, I think I may have been trying to outdo my appearance as a Korean and show or prove my identity as a Kiwi, as if I had to convince anyone, including myself (well, I feel "sometimes both, sometimes neither" regarding my identity as Kiwi or Korean most of the time, but this is way beyond what I want to write about me missing Kiwi accent or slang). Anyways, through my teaching job as a TA, I sorta had to take on the American accent as I was getting sick of students asking for clarifications - for example, whenever I said "can't", they would understand it as "can" and get into all kinds of confusion. So, at times I tried to sound American and the accent gradually came on and stayed I guess. In fact, I had this conversation with my sister a while back, that trying to speak in Kiwi accent now feels like I'm "trying" to sound Kiwi, and we were somewhat saddened about how "unnatural" it has become. I still find Kiwi accent easier to listen to though. Like whenever I'm watching FOTC clips on youtube or when I boarded Air NZ a year ago to visit home and heard the crew members speaking, I felt so happy in my guts :D.
As for slang, I don't think I used much of it either back home or here, but just last week when my American friend mentioned that Americans don't really use the term "dodgy", I complained that it is a perfectly suitable word for the thing I was explaining and I couldn't think of any other words to replace it. In general, I miss hearing phrases like "good on ya" or "mate (that sounds more like mite)" or "chur" or "eh?" in everyday conversation. Also hearing Maori phrases like "kia ora" or "haere mai" or "ka pai" here and there, on TV, radios etc..
Oh yeah, I miss Maori place/location names too.

- People
I don't mean just the dear friends and family back home, but in general I find that Kiwis are more easy-going and relaxed than Americans. There are of course things I find more likable about Americans compared to Kiwis, but I do miss the Kiwi personality. For example, Kiwis say "you are welcome" when I say "thank you", Americans (most of whom I've said "thank you" to) say "mm-hmm!" which sounds to me like "oh for sure you should thank me!".

- Fruits and veges
I miss "exotic" fruits like Kiwi and Feijoa as well as common ones like nectarines and peaches - because most of them are just so darn expensive here!! Only fruit I find affordable here is banana... Kiwis and Feijoas are somewhat rare here, yes, but I saw them in Seattle last summer for a whooping $2 per each price tag. FOR EACH! It's not just the fruits but veges too. I remember going to Fresh World or Simply Fresh in Northcote with me mumsy and buying a whole basket full of fresh stuff for about $12 during season. Here, I can get 6 droopy kiwis (ignoring the value difference of NZD and USD here). It's like Americans can't help but eat cheaper processed food.

- Fish & Chips and Burgerfuel + kumara chips
It's not just the burgers and fries but other things like flat white, tim tams and affordable and yummy sushi too. I guess I miss Fish & Chips and burgerfuel the most because they were a sort of regular eat-out food for my family; meaning that all members of my family just luurrve them and we would eat them whenever we felt like there was something to celebrate or on special days - sure, we did go out to eat at fancier places too, but these were the "no-fail" choices in any occasions. So, maybe it's more of that family thing and the pleasant memories associated with these food that I miss than the actual food items...

- Kiwi summer
What do I need to say more, other than the BBQ, beaches, weather and pohutukawa trees...

- Nature
Mostly the beaches and how near by they are. I miss Auckland's walking tracks along the beaches so much. I miss the openness of the beaches and horizon. I miss experiences like finding a baby penguin all by itself near some cliffs at the Shakespeare park. I think this is due to Illinois being smack in the middle of the USA with no shorelines, and the fact that I haven't really seen a great big white sandy beach in the States as yet... What else... seeing dolphins and whales on a tour boat in the bay of islands, going fishing at Leigh, seeing Rangitoto island from just about anywhere in Auckland... I also miss seeing ferns, flex and cabbage trees in any of the tracks around Auckland.
But at least I am grateful that my job is in Seattle, where there are tonnes of national parks and hiking tracks, ski fields and beaches (well, within drivable distance).
I really should have learned to surf or scuba dive while I was back home.. only if I could swim well enough :S

When I first arrived here, I had every intention of going back, maybe not right away but eventually. Actually, this was still the plan until just before last summer. Right now, I simply don't know and I don't want to plan it.. I'll see how it turns out and where it leads to.

...

"all the golden land's ahead of you and all kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive"--Kerouac

I guess I still have a blog

... first post in what, 5 months? 6?

anyhoo, cruising through the last semester at the moment, finishing up thesis work (still have to write it tho), a course where I sit in and stare at the professor speaking some mathematical language which I'm sure isn't in English, and trying to get another project off the ground with someone from UMich. And I seem to be doing everything in slow-mo; these days I feel like I wasted the whole day every day. It's like a tediously long and boring meeting is going on inside my head where one party says "it's your last semester and you got the job offer. just relax and enjoy" and the other party says "you are being lazy beyond all belief. do something useful with your time for a change" and I haven't decided which side won and I am just keep on waiting until one party forces me to do something...

I don't know, having a lot more to do seem to work for me better, my productivity is proportional to the amount of work. I didn't know I could be this lazy =_=... I'm mostly day-dreaming about going home, moving to Seattle and working, buying a car (yes it is finally gonna happen) etc etc.

Better get something done before dinner with friends, after which I'll be too full and sleepy to do anything...

Some non-study related things to think about

Some mind-boggling things.. Studying + work (i.e. TA laboring) is still there as usual, and I have grown to ignore some of them :P
Just have been left hanging with some internship results for three weeks now, the most agonizing three weeks - because the recruiter told me I passed the first round, which is just enough of a great news to make me hope for more... I want this internship so so bad and it is literally driving me nuts. I think I want it more than I wanted to come to UIUC or to US. Well, nothing I can do except for waiting and checking my email every blink of an eye.
So far, 6 interviews: 1 offer (declined), 3 still waiting, 2 rejected.

And all the job searching lead me to think of what I'll be doing after graduation - still have 1.5 semesters to go but time seems to fly faster and faster these days - I've talked about it with several friends and family, and the problem boils down to whether I want to stay here or go back to southern hemisphere. It is kind of a big decision and I have no intention of making up my mind now and sticking to it no matter what... so in short, what's bugging me is really really not knowing what's gonna happen and what I'll end up deciding. Sure, life's no guarantee, but for some reason I have a nudging pressure that I don't want to waste time after I graduate... go if I want to go, stay if I want to stay, and not jumping all over the place. I think part of pressure comes from getting older (O-M-G) and seeing close friends getting married off and buying a home and settling down etc etc... all of which seem still quite far-away things for me (mainly because I am not mature enough '_'a).

On one hand, I'm already here, and "here" is definitely bigger than back home, and I should challenge myself in this bigger place while I'm young and able. On the other hand, the reason why people work so hard and become a working machine is to afford certain quality of lifestyle - which we have heaps back home.

One interviewer asked me "So you want to stay in US after graduation?" which was kind of a duhh question seeing how I was interviewing for a position in US location... but that made me think "well, do I? ermmm I don't know...." (didn't say that to the interviewer of course :D). Right now it depends on the job I find I guess. And at least I know that if I decide to go back, I'm gonna head to Melbourne or Sydney...

Uggh I'll have more time to think these more important things AFTER I finish my thesis... C/C++ is killing me!

I need to stop procrastinating!

Not that I haven't been doing anything, just been taking way longer than I should and/or could have. Firstly, the thesis work is now haunting me... I dream about it too! mainly because I know what I have to do, but it entails me knowing C/C++ so I'm usually freaking out about it and reading some tutorials in attempts to avoid jumping in and digesting the code I have to work with... and that code I have to work with is Berkeley db kernel. I still find it motivating since I wanted to learn C/C++ for ages, and I learned Python and Ruby by start using them but I think the one thing that freaks me out is the scale of the program I must deal with... Strange somehow I never just start using C++ for things. I blame the pointers :P.

Other than the scary thesis work, just cruising through an Objected Oriented Programming course learning Smalltalk. Few strangely fascinating errors I had to deal with in Smalltalk, because the whole Squeak being Smalltalk and not just an IDE like Eclipse. I knew this but didn't really process it in my head and was treating Squeak as if it was an IDE. And one sticky object and perfectly correct piece of code that I added AFTER creating that sticky object meant me screaming at the computer screen "WHY ARE YOU FREAKIN' CHANGING MY CODE!!"... well... can't explain it better than that, but it was very interesting to say the least.

And half-a-good-news is that I got an internship offer!! But it was in India.... I don't remember applying to any non-US locations this time, but Infosys' internships are all done in India apparently. Having to go to India is very tempting, but maybe not during summer, and not when I have more places I want to visit in USA (since I'm here already!)... plus I have few more hopeful internship applications I am waiting for (*FRANTICALLY KNOCKS ON WOOD*)... So I declined it. Infosys is definitely a good company to intern at, but the interview was just toooooooooo easy and simple, I am not sure if they really care who will be interning at their company. I don't like "here is an array. Do some complicated thingi that is of absolutely no practical use on it in O(n) time and o(1) space restriction" type of crazy interview questions, but asking nothing at all technical for freshers/interns seem... just... not caring and "can't-be-bothered".

Already 1/3 way into the semester... better whoop myself into shape now.

a slow and hectic start of the semester

I've gone through a major rearranging of my coursework for the semester, freeing up as much time as possible for my thesis, so unlike the first week and a half of the semester I am finding a lot more of free time. I just have to makes sure that I don't use the time to procrastinate, which I tend to do. I do think I'm impossible sometimes, because I go crazy by having no time and studying/working like a mad person and then when I finally have some free time, I tend to slump and think I need a push of more schedule.. Oh how fickle of me :P.

But with all that free-er time, I've managed to line up 4 internship interviews, and whether I get to spend my summer in some exotic (I consider Boston exotic, or any other big metropolitan area for that matter, after spending nearly 2 years in the cornfields.. heck I found Auckland refreshingly exotic too!) or just doing summer school here, I don't really mind and that gives me less pressure to ace the interviews which is win-win for me.

As for my thesis work, rather slow start but definitely a start so I'm happy with that. Better keep the momentum building though.
Other than the usual school-study-TA work stuff, I'm looking forward to seeing Cirque du Soleil show at the university's assembly hall, or going to NY to see my cousin and few friends from NZ, or both ;) maybe both... One thing I miss the most from having a job is that I had money and time to spend weeks on traveling, not like as a student where I have to squeeze in few days out of supposedly-a-break during which I should really be doing more school work..

Oh well, I will stop procrastinating and go do some work then.

outlook: one more semester of studenthood

So I've decided I'll take things easy and do another semester at UIUC, given that masters degree can take maximum 5 semesters to finish. This means I can spread my course load a little bit more and do things with my full attention rather than being dragged with course works and spend more time on the thesis and research, plus TA work and job hunting. I was eager to get out of uni and find a job and really do something that makes me feel like I'm a contributing member of society :p but the fact is, with everything crammed into a semester, I don't think I'll be able to do a single thing good enough to warrant my graduation let alone finding a job. Hence the decision to stay a student for a bit longer. Another reason would be that I DO NOT want to get sick again like last semester - apparently the thyroiditis is prone to recurrences and I definitely do not want that.

That being said, I do think it was half the workload, and half me that caused thyroiditis because of my tendencies to get stressed out in certain situations (exams.... homeworks... etc) and not really balancing things out.. Hmm I wonder if that means I'm not really good at multitasking as I thought I was. Anyhoo knowing when to stop, looking at the bigger picture and accepting the fact that there will be things that I have to let go are few lessons from the crazy thyroid.

A week to decide my next move (in time for next lease season)

The reality of the semester has finally dawned to me after talking to both my adviser and yy's adviser (who actually offered when not asked! he is seriously the nicest adviser EVER) and I need to decide whether to do 1) another non-summer semester or 2) cram everything and finish by the end of summer semester. Catch is that in the former case, I need to secure financial support for the new semester and in the latter case, I'll prolly have not enough time to do proper job search and go back home straight after the degree. And the "going with the flow" with job searching is really only meaningful if I tried enough to find a job here for the experience sake, but with my current schedule, I don't have time to prepare for interviews... Also it occurred to me that if I don't wanna be here in mid-long term, that doesn't mean I don't want to stay short-mid term... well, sort of like, "if not now, when?" situation since if I leave UIUC when will I study again at such a prestigious institution (not saying this cuz I go here :p)? and when would I come back to live in the USA?

It could be a light decision or not, certainly 6 more months is not a long time seeing how the 2 years are almost up, and with the job market here as it is right now, I'm keen to wait it out, whether I end up going back home all the same or not. Either is fine with me, here of home-bound, it's just that I want to know for sure that I tried everything I can before saying "eh fine I'm going home".
Hmmmmmmmm not knowing what I want is a headache, huh.

Any two cents?

Goals of the year

Complain less.
Be more positive about everything. "Speak with smile", friend of mine once said...
Get healthier. Exercise!!
Get a job :D

I noticed this throughout keeping a journal for few years and then blogging, that I usually write something down when I am more or less fuming/depressed about something. It does help to have a place where I can dump all my anger but going back and reading them, I get reminded of only the bad things I have experienced and it is not all that therapeutic after all. I do remember happier things better but all my "records" are as bleak and gloomy as the weather these days.
SO!! following one of my new year's resolution, I'm gonna blog about happier things more. Don't think I'll blogging any more than I'm doing now though :P

Home was great!

It really has been a recharging three weeks back at home, seeing everyone I wanted to see, just relaxing (although that bloody project was still a headache!), hanging out, catching up on sleeping, eating everything that was on my list, enjoying kiwi summer... ahhh and the snow and cold weather here sure do make me miss home already. Thankfully though, it is unusually warm here these few days, after a real bad cold snap while I was home.
So the new semester starts. I have to write my thesis and find a job, so I don't think it will be any easier than before but hopefully better than the last semester. My thyroidism is almost gone, so it is definitely going to be a better semester!

And on the finding job area... I'm going to take this easy too, not going to go crazy if I don't find a job here. Sure, working experience in US will be just super but honestly, it doesn't feel like I'll be settling down here in a long term. I'll just see how things go and go with whatever that works out.