I feel dumb as a stump

I have had this nagging feeling since my return to the world of academia.
My theory is that it is because:
1. I haven't been doing ANYTHING for the two and a half years while I was supposedly working
2. I didn't really learn anything back in undergrad years and abused the system to graduate with first class honours and top BTech IT graduate award (shared)
3. CS at UIUC is just on a whole another level and I'm just a "normal" person
4. the concept of testing one's understanding of a subject with deliberately tricky questions in a restricted timeframe itself is flawed
5. I'm speaking English while people here are speaking American
6. too much coffee causes brain shrinkage
7. I'm in fact a stump disguising as a human (DING DING DING!!)
8. Maybe I shouldn't be wasting time blogging and study given that I have another exam next week

OK, I'm just frustrated with the midterm grades I got so far and playing the blame game for my lack of intellectuallability, but I feel lost as to why something that worked before doesn't work anymore. I don't know how else to study... :( I know, graduate study is different from undergrad, and UIUC being UIUC, there are just so many people from all over the world who are just plain smarter than I am. I accept that. It could be a bad case of imposter syndrome that I am experiencing now... What can I say, I'll just try harder... Sigh...

Halloween!

Back in NZ, I was pretty annoyed with kids coming around trick-or-treating on Halloween nights, just because it was so American culture, and I always thought "ohhh you do that here too??". Another problem was the inconsistency of trick-or-treaters each year. I remember one year when few groups of kids came around demanding sweets and I didn't have any. I felt sorry, and somehow really old (by not getting into that festive spirit). So the year after that, I remembered this incident and bought quite a few packets of sweets and was ready to spread the joy of free sweets & candies and add to the growing epidemic of child obesity. And guess what happened. NO ONE CAME TRICK-OR-TREATING THAT YEAR!! So in the end I ended up eating everything myself - not a really bad karma, but eating too much chocolate usually brings about that "omg look at my thighs" worry..
Now that I'm really in the US, I am kinda looking forward to what it is really like here. People are certainly more enthusiastic about decorating their houses here, few houses on the way to Siebel Center from my apartment have funny Halloween theme-ed deco on the porch and front garden. Siebel Center for one has variety of of pumpkin lanterns (Ironman-o-lantern and Linux-o-lantern) carved and displayed here and there, and many of the professors have "Boo~~" with a ghost picture stuck on their office doors.
I heard a lot about parties and crazy costumes students wear here (not just for the party, but for the day!), so I might have my camera ready for that tomorrow. Although, there is a looming scare of someone leaving a threatening note in the uni toilet saying that he is going to shoot someone on Green street on Halloween night. I think I'll avoid going there tomorrow, just to err on the safe side. Oh wow.. my first gun-related scare in the US... but the fact is, there is a pawn shop less than 100m from CS building where it advertises "GUNS" on the sign. I'm pretty sure I can just walk in and buy one without too much hassle. not that I ever want to.
Oh well, fun is fun, but I better get back to studying for yet another exam next week ;)

A thought on my research area...

My grand plan for my masters degree was to study data mining, but more and more I'm realising that maybe I didn't really know what data mining is all about when I decided that. Now, as someone who has no intention of ever doing phD, and I say that with 99% certainty, I think I am going to change my research area. UIUC has THE professor of data mining field (well, he basically created the field) and fortunately I am doing a small project with him and his phD students, so it would be just supa if I could build on that project to write my thesis... But from what I have learnt in the data mining course so far, everything seems to be very.... textbooky. Great that someone came up with some new algorithm to materialise data cube faster or mine some patterns faster (by THE professor and his students 90% of the time which is actually very impressive), but from what I can see they are all within the context of experimental amount of data, with optimistic restrictions, mainly for the purpose of proving the algorithm to publish a conference paper. I think it is my "industry background" that is kinda dictating how I accept things that are happening in academia... I know data mining and algorithms are being used in the industry as we speak, but for some reason I am not really convinced. Maybe if I see a real world implementation of it, I might change my mind but in the mean time I'm heading towards database systems and data security/privacy area... something that I can see the real use in the industry.

Functional language... oh the dilemma

I'm an OO-generation programmer. Started proper programming education with Java (although I did touch on VB6 briefly), and temporarily stopped proper programming job with Java. For someone like me, functional language is both evil and ingenious. I've been using ocaml this semester with one of the compiler/programming language course, and I am enjoying it and hating it at the same time. It was one of my biggest regret not taking compiler course back in undergraduate years and so when I was told that I MUST take one compiler related course at UIUC, I was glad - because had I given a choice, I might have opted for some other course that is more related to my research area.
So, I'm awed by the simplicity and yet DUH-ness of syntax in functional language and its flexibility (in terms of what you can write without crashing and burning). But can I imagine functional language being used in the industry? hmm perhaps not. Dave Thomas in his seminar last week mentioned something about this; It is the industry that is not ready for the functional language, not the other way around. But I have to say, I can't imagine myself or any other ordinary (run-of-the-mill if I may be cynical) programmer sitting there trying to write/debug a big-ass application with pure functional language. Then my clueless wondering reaches one question - is there anything that will surpass the concept of Object-Oriented language? Now that will be an interesting research area...

Fear of risk disables us all

I am still quite awed by this place - CS at UIUC is seriously on a whole different level. Maybe it is my small-town (country even) mentality that is affecting me in a way, but this place IS really like a hub of anything and everything CS, both academia and industry. I mean, big names like Microsoft, Google, Yahoo, Cerner, IBM, Lockheed Martin PAYS to come to this school and open a job expo (INSIDE THE CS BUILDING!! yup, it is that big), and there are several of them here almost every month, and the seminars people give here are just sooo not what I'm used to. Honestly, back home, the only tech-related seminar I've attended was that Microsoft TechEd one and the small user-group thing. I remember thinking whoa! from attending those ones too, but I thought what they talked about were largely unrelated to what I was doing.
So, when I heard about this ACM conference thing opening at CS dept over the weekend, I wasn't too sure if I wanted to attend any of them. But then my sister told me that there was going to be a talk by Dave Thomas! I only read "The Pragmatic Programmer" first few chapters (was recommended by my team leader back where I worked - who, by the way, is the awsomest person/leader/mentor/friend ever), but I was very shocked to say the least. The very first few chapters were pointing out things I knew I should change as a programmer but wasn't sure how or even why. So, naturally, off to the seminar I went to.
Today's talk was largely about how fear of risk makes us as programmer and as an industry do stupid things, and how the courage to break that fear is the way to innovation, enhancement and growth (OK I might be adding some of my understanding here, but I'm sure I'm not that far off :D). I particularly liked how the talk was about software/programming but not technical - it kind of went into this philosophical basis of being a programmer. Of the great, great things he talked about today, one thing made me go "!!!" with big possum eyes @_@ was that the stupidest thing one can fear about when trying new things is looking like a stupid (again, I am not quoting him, I'm translating him :p). Because it was why I didn't want to perhap "bite the bullet" and do some of the stuff I should have done while working as a programmer. I hated looking like a muppet so I avoided things that might make me look like a muppet. Most of the time, however, it was expected of me to be a muppet because I was told to do something I have never seen before. I mean, HELLO. I knew that too, but I had this expectation of myself being able to do whatever job I was assigned. Not a bad mindset I have to say, just that I was not prepared to feel stupid (all the while understanding that it is a process.. au contraire!). Hmm.. is this an ego problem?? So, anyways, in the end I ended up being a muppet. This could be a reason why I stayed working on one of the company's oldest, most crude product as an "expert" when people before me couldn't stand it. It was something I knew, something safe, not risky. But as Dave Thomas said today, "In this industry, opposite of risky is not safety, it is stagnation". Yup, I was being stagnant. Not learning. I mean, right after I finished my undergraduate studies, I was eager to learn anything and everything. But soon after I started working, I found it very overwhelming and I felt I was not prepared enough. And those uber smart programmers with few years of experience on their back intimidated me like hell... and so the vicious cycle of fear-muppetification-more fear began.

In a way, reading first few chapters of "The Pragmatic Programmer" made me want to go back to the start and re-write my career as this enthusiastic, risk-taking, super geeky programmer, and it added a small push in my decision to come all the way here to study more. I know, what you learn from uni is different from what you learn in the industry, but I wanted to start from scratch. Overall, today's talk made me realize that I made a right decision to study more, and perhaps to change the way I learn things. And from now on, I am going to be unafraid. I remember thinking that the need for a constant learning was what is so intriguing about this industry in the first place. I should not forget that this time.

Opening remark

OK, I have been meaning to write a blog for so long I can't even remember, so here it FINALLY goes...

Now that I'm in a completely new environment with different accent, I have had a chance to see things with fresh set of eyes. Have to say, life I led back home was kinda too boring and wasteful to say the least. I worked, got home, lazied out, hung out with friends... and that's about it. Not a bad one, but not productive at all.
Being back at grad school studying with uber smart people, I've realized something - I'm not that smart and I haven't been trying as much as I can to change that. This might sound like I'm being negative and stuff, but a truth is a truth right? And I am glad that I had this epiphany because I do not particularly enjoy wasting my life away.
Perhaps this has something to do with hearing about an acquaintance having an illness that might be terminal. And from what I can see, this person IS doing something and everything with his/her life. The news was kinda like a wake-up call for me, that I actually have it good. All I really need to do is use what I have - time.
So, I'll be better ;)

Hmm. On a closing note - no, I am not a negative person, I call it modesty. And also "knowing thy self" :D.